10 Things I Hate About Cockroaches

Christmas Eve 2009, 2pm, Otres Beach - Sihanoukville

1. They move faster than the speed of sound.
2. They serve no purpose to anyone or anything other than the furthering of the cockroach race.
3. After you're definitely sure where they are because you've been watching them sit in the same place for 10 minutes, they start scuttling about the instant you turn the light off.
4. They are not scared of people, not even a little bit, and will therefore happily run at you and over you even though the little fuckers are 2000 times smaller than you. This is just friggin' cocky.
5. If you stamp on them they release their eggs as they're dieing. So you get rid of one cockroach and gain 50 more of it's soon to be hatched, vengeance-seeking cockroach babies instead. Perfect.
6. They are indestructible, nothing kills them. They could survive nuclear holocaust, and this is not right.
7. There is no such thing as one cockroach. If you have one, you have 20 of his mates hiding somewhere else in your room.
8. Their heads and antennae move independently of their bodies so sometimes when they turn their heads from side to side it looks like they're looking for you. This gives me the creeps.
9. They are nosey and intrusive. If you leave your bag unzipped then you can guarantee that the one place they're going to be when you get back to your room is nestled in a bikini top.
10. They are the one living creature that proves I'm not as brave as I like to think I am... last night one ran at my foot, I flew 4ft in the air and jumped on to my bed squealing - hard as nails.

In conclusion: In future I will be making friends with more boys who look chivalrous and tough in order that they can de-cockroach my accommodation for me. Despite trying in vain to find something cute about them and tell myself repeatedly that they can't hurt me, it has not worked. I REALLY hate cockroaches.